Control Issues....

So, I have my computer back from the doc. It is still being tempermental....things have changed between us. I just can't have the same amount of trust that I used to have. I find my heart pumping as I wait for pages to open, hoping that what I want to happen, does in fact happen, without hassels!!! The last few weeks have been about control issues for me. I have realized that I am really not in control of anything and that has made me try even harder to control the things that I think need controlling... like my computer (with it's many issues), my car that spins on ice all by itself, and my three-year-old who has started to have attitude. Fun times have been had in my world.

Somehow I have duped myself for a really long time thinking that I do in fact reign supreme in my world. I felt like I had a handle on things and I could sway and manipulate the outcomes, every time. Wrong! The world spins around and around. Gravity holds my feet on the floor without asking my permission. My heart pumps blood to my veins until someday, unbeknownst to me, it will stop. I am not in control. Letting go of the idea that I am has produced some headaches, some melancholy, and some peace.

My initial desire was to fight, to try harder to keep everything running smoothly, micro-managing people, schedules, even inanimate objests and then having tantrums when things didn't go my way. I ended up with some doozie migraines. Not worth it, I realized. The melancholy was a result of realizing all the stress that I have been carrying around has been for nothing! In the end, peace has been the outcome. When I can let the computer and the car just do what they do and resist having a freak, peace reigns. I can't, in fact, do everything! Being okay with that little tidbit is going to be a daily struggle for the rest of my life, but knowing that there is peace waiting on the other side inviting me to come and chill out is a beautiful thought. It beckons me. I hope that in the midst of the chaos that is called life, you can hear Peace calling to you too.