Sweater

Last Saturday, I had a day to myself. Jeremy was hanging out with the kids so I took off to the city. I had some things to do, but I also just wanted to have some chill time. It's been a busy last couple of months and I was feeling the need to be quiet. That's what I love about going to the city. You only have to talk if you choose to. What I found in most of the places that I went into is that most people who work in retail would rather not to talk to you either. I don't really understand this but I was okay with it on that day. Silence was what I was needing.

My last stop before coming home was the Costco run. There are a few staple items for the pantry that I like to pick up there. While I was there, I noticed a lovely red sweater. It was cozy and fit perfectly. I added it to my staples in the cart. I like to get in and out of Costco as quickly as possible, I'm a list person and I usually stick with list, except for the sweater I was doing great. I stood in the long Saturday check-out line and was out of there without to much pain. I grabbed a coffee for the drive home and pointed my car in that direction.

It wasn't until I was unpacking the car at home that I missed the sweater. I looked everywhere for it. I realized I must have left it in the cart in the Costco parking lot. Sounds exactly like something that I would do. You may recall my purse fiasco of some months ago. The thoughts that came to mind after a brief episode of the "Aww Shucks!" was that I bought the universe a sweater. That made me smile. I hope that someone out there finds it and it makes their day. I hope that red is the favorite color of the person that finds it. I hope that my sweater is exactly what the person needed on that day. I hope that my sweater keeps someone warm and cozy for the rest of this crazy winter that we've been having. I hope my sweater travels to places that I've never been. I hope my sweater gets passed on and shared as it has been from the moment of purchase. I was actually happier that I didn't have it than if I was wearing it. It's funny how perspective can do that.

I found out recently that my four-year-old niece, Lylia, has two dolls that she has dubbed 'Loose' and 'Loosen' Up'. When I heard this I had to laugh. I think she is trying to tell the world something. Don't let things get you all tied up in a knot. Stay loose. If you're uptight, loosen' up and buy the universe a sweater!

Lemons

At lunch today, we were talking about Elle's birthday which is coming up in April. I asked her what she would like to do. It took her about two seconds to respond with, "I would like for us all to go to Mexico." I'm not sure where that came from or why that is something that she would like to do, but it is obviously something she thinks would be fun. I think it would be fun too, but I know that we will not be going to Mexico for her 6th birthday!

This conversation got me thinking about how often the things we really would like to do, our dreams, often bump into reality. I had to break the news to Elle that we would not be going Mexico for her birthday, but that we could have a Mexican party instead. When I said the word pinata, her eyes got big! Her dream might not happen but there are other options that are doable. The reality is that we cannot go to Mexico. So often, we get stuck or obsess about a dream that isn't happening the way we want it too. We pout, we complain, and we agonize over our discontent with how things are turning out in our lives. We think that everything about life should be as we want it....now. I'm not completely sure why we feel this sense of entitlement, but it really can mess you up.

I read something awhile ago about the people that are most content in the whole world. They are Danish, not the pastry, just to clarify. The Danes have learned a secret about contentment. It's to expect nothing. Their contentment is based on the premise that if you expect nothing, anything good that comes along is bonus. If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed. I'm not saying that this is the way to live; without expectations. But I think it may have some merit with a few tweaks. I think it may come down to what kind of expectations you have. This may seem harsh but here's what I think...expect to fail. Expect that life will be difficult. Expect that you will feel pain. Expect that life will not look like a fairy tale Disney flick. Expect that life will not always go as you plan it. Expect that in the middle of all of life's messes there is HOPE. I have been learning that hope comes in the form of God. In the middle of the mess, I am not alone, He's there. I have been expecting to meet Him in the messes that life brings. It's where He wants to meet me. I cannot promise that all your dreams will come true, it's not a reality in any one's life that I know of. It's in the mess where we learn truths about ourselves and about God. I say bring on the mess!

I am not a "glass-half-empty" kind of girl, though it may seem so today, but I do think that I am beginning to be able to see a reality that is more in focus. I expect that a lot of you will have issues with this post, because it is not what you usually hear about dreams and life. It's not about making lemonade when life hands you lemons. That's just another way for you to control the mess. It's about handing the lemons to a God that cares and wants you to know Him and trust Him with your lemons. I truly believe that the best life we can have is when we meet God in the messes that life will bring.

Babies

This week has been a baby boom in our family. I have two new nephews and no they are not twins. Born two days apart, I imagine the trouble that two little boys growing up together will be able to think of, especially when they are guided by their older cousin, Coen! It is so exciting to welcome new life into the world. Jeremy was singing a song at breakfast the other morning by the Beach Boys..."God only knows where I would be without you....". These lyrics prompted me to look around my table of toast munchers and ask that question to myself. Where would I be without these amazing people a part of my life?

I know as a new mother, I could sit for hours just holding my sweet little baby and I almost couldn't remember how my life was before I had them in my arms. I almost didn't want to. The change that is wrought in your heart when your flesh and blood takes their first breath is life altering. There is a fierceness that comes to the surface when it comes to protecting them. A tenderness in every touch. An ache when you think about all the things that your baby will have to learn the hard way. A pain in your soul when you think about the pain that they will experience in their lives. An overwhelming sense that there is no possible way for you to get this whole parenting thing right. And dreams. Dreams of the kind of person your little person will become.

Babies are remarkable in that they shake up the worlds of parents who have never had to take care of anyone but themselves. A tiny bundle of dependency. They need you for everything. Babies make better people out of their parents. I can say that with some backing. It has happened to me.

I know that Levi and Will are going to bring much joy, blessing and heartache to lives of their parents, it's inevitable. For my brothers and sisters-in-law I pray much love, wisdom, and joy as you venture out on the road of parenting. You will all be amazing parents! You have had incredible examples in your own parents. I look forward to getting to know my two new nephews. You are loved little ones.....and welcome to the world!

100 Followers....

A milestone in my blogging has occurred. I have 100 followers!!! I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that anyone besides my mom would want to read what I have spewed forth from my brain, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you. THANK YOU! In honor of this momentous occasion, I have made a few changes to this page. I hope you likey! Other than a new header, some different colors, and fonts, there is something fun you can all try out after you read the blog. After each post there is a spot to post your reactions. You get to decide if the post was funny, interesting, or inspiring... so fun, I know! I would love to hear from you as well! Your comments are always welcome. Thanks again for seeinglisawrite! Peace...

Control Issues....

So, I have my computer back from the doc. It is still being tempermental....things have changed between us. I just can't have the same amount of trust that I used to have. I find my heart pumping as I wait for pages to open, hoping that what I want to happen, does in fact happen, without hassels!!! The last few weeks have been about control issues for me. I have realized that I am really not in control of anything and that has made me try even harder to control the things that I think need controlling... like my computer (with it's many issues), my car that spins on ice all by itself, and my three-year-old who has started to have attitude. Fun times have been had in my world.

Somehow I have duped myself for a really long time thinking that I do in fact reign supreme in my world. I felt like I had a handle on things and I could sway and manipulate the outcomes, every time. Wrong! The world spins around and around. Gravity holds my feet on the floor without asking my permission. My heart pumps blood to my veins until someday, unbeknownst to me, it will stop. I am not in control. Letting go of the idea that I am has produced some headaches, some melancholy, and some peace.

My initial desire was to fight, to try harder to keep everything running smoothly, micro-managing people, schedules, even inanimate objests and then having tantrums when things didn't go my way. I ended up with some doozie migraines. Not worth it, I realized. The melancholy was a result of realizing all the stress that I have been carrying around has been for nothing! In the end, peace has been the outcome. When I can let the computer and the car just do what they do and resist having a freak, peace reigns. I can't, in fact, do everything! Being okay with that little tidbit is going to be a daily struggle for the rest of my life, but knowing that there is peace waiting on the other side inviting me to come and chill out is a beautiful thought. It beckons me. I hope that in the midst of the chaos that is called life, you can hear Peace calling to you too.

Virus

So, last week my computer literally started screaming at me saying that it had a virus. Boy, did it ever. Twenty five of them. It is out of commission. I have been longing to blog so here I am "borrowing" a computer so I can get some stuff out of my head and out into the great beyond...cyberworld? Anyway, I think that today this may be more of a confessional than anything else.

I have a virus too. It's called selfishness. It's a nasty one, because it takes a lot of work to get rid of it entirely. It's deadly because I like it. I rarely think about the potential side effects of selfishness, but they are far reaching and brutal, breeding more of the same. I was born with this virus. It is in every cell of who I am. It feeds my desire to take care of my needs at any cost. It keeps me isolated and stuck. It binds my hands when I see other people with needs because I have to think about myself first. It builds a wall around my soul that keeps me numb to compassion. It eats at my time, energy and resources until I am locked up tight in a drama of my own life.

The cure for selfishness seems simple enough... but until you actually try to use the cure, you don't even know how badly you have the selfish virus. The cure is pure love. Love is always an affront to selfishness. They are enemies. The very fibres that make up love are the antithesis of selfishness. Those fibres are giving without strings attached, compassion, and selflessness. I have a picture in my mind of what I want from love and it is usually all about my needs. A little secret...this is not love. This is selfishness. When I place my need for love, how I want it, above the love that I could give away instead, the virus has the upper hand. I am manipulating the antidote and not allowing it to work. I am dying inside and sometimes I can't even feel it. When I do, by some miracle, feel my heart breaking for someone else and I long to help or to change a situation, I know that true and pure love is fighting for supremacy in my soul. I want to be cured. I want love to win. Am I willing to let love kill selfishness in my soul?

I never leave home without...

Deodorant.



(Seriously, the worst job on the planet.....smelling other people's underarms!!)

 I don't know when I started taking deodorant with me wherever I go, but I do know that it has saved me time and again from inflicting upon the world some funky smells. It has also been a somewhat humorous "Seinfeldish" moment when I have been asked to lend my deodorant to smelly friends! Apparently the world does know that I have a problem and they know where to go when they need some help! Lisa's deodorant to the rescue!

This is a somewhat indelicate topic, one that a lady would never venture to write about, but I write with purpose. Spontaneity is something I'm not very good at. I plan to smell and I am prepared, in the aftermath, to fix the offending odours. Jeremy told me this morning that I hate it when my plans change. While he was relaying this tragic news to me, of course I couldn't really hear what he was saying because I couldn't believe that I was so immovable. I thought I was spontaneous and full of adventure. But after he left for work, I tried to find the truth in what he was saying. He was right. I like to have a plan. I like to have my day mapped out. I like to know what's coming. When I go somewhere, I have a list of things to do and a general time frame as to when I am  going to do them. I carry deodorant in my purse!! I don't leave a lot of room for surprises or fun, so it seems!
I think this all may have started when I had kids. A few weeks after Elle was born, Jeremy and I were in town one afternoon with our sweet little girl. Being a new mom, I hadn't really thought about all the things that could happen while we were in town. I took a couple of diapers and a few wipes never thinking to bring extra clothes for a newborn. As it turns out, we needed more than clothes for a newborn. I needed them too. Elle and I were sitting in the car waiting for Jeremy to come out of a store. I had just finished nursing her and she was laying in my arms. Then....she exploded! Her diaper, that is! It was everywhere. She was wearing a onesie, little pants, a sweater and socks. Everything but the sweater was beyond salvaging. I remember trying to take the little onesie off, over her head without getting nastiness in her hair! Of course, there were not enough wipes in the entire world to clean up the mess. She was crying, we were both covered in poo and I was making a mental list. 1. Always have ridiculous amounts of  wipes at your disposal at any given minute. 2. Always have extra clothes for the baby and for myself. 3. Puke and poo will happen, be prepared! So, I started hauling this absurdly huge diaper bag around, stuffed to the gills with anything and everything I could think of to put in it...just in case.

Long after the diaper bag has been banished, I still plan ahead. I still like to have a plan. I know where all the bathrooms are located from here to Saskatchewan and which ones are the cleanest! We have had adventures, if you could call them that, when things went utterly wrong....like two flat tires on the same hot summer day, plus getting pulled over by the cops, which I can laugh about now, but at the time felt like disaster. I guess that is maybe God's way of teaching me flexibility. Throw things in my path that I cannot possibly handle or plan for and see what it means to really trust......and laugh at how not spontaneous I really am.